Today I went to therapy. This was my third session with my psychologist. My doctor is a really nice woman. I think we connect a little too well, in that I feel like I don’t want to bother her with my real thoughts, so I don’t even know why I go. We laugh throughout the whole session. Today we talked about how I’m going to Disneyland next week, and all the things I should try while I’m there. I don’t know why I’m even going to Disneyland. I hate rides, and I am terrified of large crowds. Anyway. She’s funny, but I think I need someone with more power, otherwise I won’t listen. Maybe it will get easier.
I started taking an anti-anxiety medication called Buspar. The second time I saw her, I told her that I thought my medication was working because I could physically feel a difference after taking it. My head would give a good pound about a half hour after taking it, and it used to help me sleep. Now that its been a few weeks, and the medication should be in my system, I feel like it isn’t working. I am very anxious and it is very hard to sleep. Every situation, every day is “what if, what if, what if?”
Here’s average day for me:
What if I get on the freeway and I start feeling anxious and have a panic attack and get in an accident? I just won’t get on the freeway. What if I walk into Walmart and get bothered by the lights or too many people, and I pass out? Will anyone help me if I pass out? Or will they just ignore me and step over my body on the floor? I’ll just skip the trip to Walmart. What if I get on stage and try to perform and mess up? What if I faint? What if I ruin the show? Will anybody ever book us again? What if I’m not even a good bass player and no one wants to tell me because I’m “the girlfriend”? What if I’m just making a fool out of myself and no one even wants me there? Maybe I should just quit.
What if I go to sleep and suddenly stop breathing? Okay, I just won’t sleep tonight.
How did it get this bad? I felt this way when I lived in Phoenix, why do I feel this way suddenly when I’m in the best relationship of my life? Why do I still feel so broken? and why isn’t this medication working?