Am I just going to talk to talk?
I’m home alone. Pat is at work. I got off work at 1. It is now almost 6, and I’m not really sure where the day went. I haven’t done anything. I’ve picked up my guitar a few times. I’ve picked up my new Chuck Palahniuk book a few times. I’ve gone through and listened to all of Spotify’s “Recommended for me” and found out that Spotify thinks I have quite boring taste. I did find a playlist called “Calm Vibes” which is what I am listening to now. It’s pleasant. I am currently listening to a song called Music Box by Matt Stewart-Evans and I enjoy it. I’ve been so “riot grrrl” lately to empower the woman I hope I am somewhere deep down, but maybe I’m just not that woman. I guess I’m “Calm Vibes grrrl” now.
Work is inconsistent. I quit my job at Sally’s to try to get rid of my anxiety. Picking up a job with my parents has been relatively satisfying. I get to help my family, I get to see them every day, and I get to make money. Yet here I am, 26 years old and working for my parents. The cabinet business is rough though. When there’s work, there’s a lot of work and lots of money to be made, but when there isn’t…. there’s nothing. I can’t help but feel like I’m not helping Pat. I’ve been working every day since I quit Sally’s. Could I take up a second job? Sure. Should I go back to school and actually get a degree in something? Sure.
Am I afraid? Yes.
This post doesn’t really mean anything. I just wanted to give myself something to do, while I’m doing nothing. I am drinking a beer that is too big, and I am smoking an e-cigarette that I secretly wish was a real cigarette.
So, I wrote last time that I thought my medication wasn’t working. I ended up speaking to a doctor about it, and she decided to put me on another medication. That didn’t do anything for me either, and when I tried to make an appointment with her again, the office told me she moved to a different location where they don’t accept my insurance. So now I have a new doctor, and he put me on Prozac. Can’t say I feel any different. Maybe it is different, though. It’s just not better. I still have anxiety, I definitely feel more depressed. I still see my therapist every two weeks. Last week she told me she doesn’t know how to help me anymore. She said she’s tried everything, and doesn’t know how else to motivate me, and asked if I get anything out of our “little chit chats.” When I told her that I do, she responded, “Seriously?”
Maybe I need a new therapist.
Its absurd how real anxiety has become. It’s such a stupid disorder. It only exists because you make it exist. It’s kind of like “The Game.” You know the game, if you ever think about the game, you lose the game, and you have to announce to everyone “I lost the game” making everyone around you also lose the game. The only time you are winning the game is when you aren’t thinking about it. That’s my anxiety. That’s my head. WHAT IF I had a panic attack right now? That would be TERRIBLE. How about I just go ahead and have one, since I’m thinking about it. Sure.
I know that no one will read this, but I always hope that someone will. I hope that I am interesting enough for even one person to read through an entire blog post. Maybe when I die, I will have been a person important enough that someone will go searching for my deepest thoughts…. and find this. But, here I sit. 26 years old, and my life could not be any more ordinary. Boohooing about what I am going to do with my life. Boohooing about my job. Boohooing just to boohoo.
Is boohooing seriously a word? I’m not getting any spellcheck issues there. Ya learn something new every day.
But really, I read these posts later on. I find myself going back to my old posts often, from when I was with Shane. The person I was then and the person I am now seem so different but they really are not. Back then I was afraid of being in a left turn lane, now I am afraid of being on the freeway. The issue then is similar to the issue now. Back then, I hated the person I was with and I blamed all my problems on him. Now, I hate the person that I am, and the blame goes inward.
Ah, heres a nice new “Calm Vibe” tune, And Along Came the Rain by Elba.
Should I end it here?