Lost. Again.

I don’t know what to do. I’ve been in therapy for over a year and have been on several different kinds of medication for that long as well. I’ve tried Celexa, Prozac, and I am currently on Zoloft, Hydroxyzine, and we can officially add Xanax to the list.

I talked to my therapist last night and she said that I have severe depression and actually gave me the phone number for a suicide hotline. Sure, I get sad, I get really sad, but I would not call myself “severely” depressed. Certainly not enough to call a crisis hotline.

My life is good for the most part. I am lucky enough to have Pat, and that I get to live with the most perfect 4 year old on Earth for a good portion of the week, in a big house that we’ve just moved into.

My abortion makes me sad. The fact that I could have my very own PennyLane and do not, makes me sad. The fact that I can’t hurt myself anymore, because I can no longer hide it, makes me sad. I don’t smoke cigarettes anymore, so I have no reason to step out and put my mind at ease for 5 minutes every now and then. Marijuana gives me panic attacks, so don’t even try to suggest it. The fact that I have gained over 40 pounds in the last 3 years makes me sad. The fact that I can’t go through a single day without having a full blown panic attack makes me very sad. The fact that I can no longer drive on the freeway makes me sad. The fact that I have tried all these different kinds and concoctions of medications and I STILL FEEL LIKE THIS makes me VERY sad.

I can’t talk to Pat about this anymore. He has too much on his plate with his own family and their health for me to tell him how I’M depressed, when I know he is too. Depression, I guess, is something that I have been feeling for a very long time. I have been harming myself in one way or another since I was 13. My therapist made me realize yesterday that I decided to stop self mutilating, and smoking cigarettes right about when I started having severe panic attacks. I never put that together. Ever. My fear of everything came out when I decided to stop blocking it with physical pain. It makes sense.

The point is that I don’t know how to feel anymore. Am I supposed to acknowledge this depression to move forward? Or do I keep drowning it in the anti-depressants that obviously are not working?

I don’t want to type anymore. I am going to leave this here.


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